The thing about lubricants, is that pretty much everyone uses them, but they don’t give a whole lot of thought as to what’s in them. Lubricants are a big business, because no one wants to have dry sex. Really, may as well not HAVE sex at that point. Commercially, you have a fair amount of options, ranging from whatever liquid nastiness they can cram into a bottle, to silicone, to that gold standard, gynecologist recommended KY© Brand Jelly. (Which really only increases my general contempt of gynecologists.)
It’s not that everything in commercial lubricants is bad, but enough is. Enough that this is just the start of what will be a regular feature, examining all the chemically laden nastiness that’s commercially available to grease up my bajingo. And that doesn’t even begin to touch the stuff available for me to play with, either. We’ve said no to BPA in toddler toys, which is FABULOUS, but shouldn’t we also say no to it when it comes to the toys we put inside our bodies???

But getting back to lubricants, let’s look at the ingredients in the aforementioned gold standard.
Purified Water, Glycerin, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Chlorhexidine Gluconate, Gluconolactone, Methylparaben, Sodium Hydroxide
It’s always hidden in the words you can’t pronounce, isn’t it? Even the ones that aren’t all that bad aren’t really all that great, either. Chlorhexidine Gluconate is an antiseptic, and Gluconolactone is just a polyhydroxy acid (PHA). But Hydroxyethylcellulose is a gelling agent made primarily of cellulose, which is made primarily from wood pulp. Sexy.

The big offender though, is methylparaben, used in cosmetics and food products as an antifungal. More specifically, as a chemical deterrent for fruit flies. That’s right boys and girls, it’s not just interfering with your sexy fun time, you’re eating this crap too.  Now, let’s be clear, fruit flies are BAD. But uh… I’m pretty sure I’m not growing any in my lady bits. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d have to have reached a whole NEW level of hippiness before I started worrying about whether or not I was harboring a colony of fruit flies.

Now, methylparaben has generally been regarded as relatively safe, however… new information seems to question long-term usage. (Doesn’t it always?) It’s ranked as a 5 by the Environmental Working Group’s (EWG) Skin Deep Cosmetics Database, where it’s listed as present in a shocking 9,581 products. A report in the Journal of Applied Toxicology indicates that:
paraben esters are not always broken down and excreted by the body. Acting like environmental estrogens, they accumulate in reproductive organs of the body and cause chronic health problems such as breast cancer and male infertility.
So, if you’re male, you’re decreasing your potential fertility every time you have sex with commercial lubricant. In general, there are much better ways to achieve sterility. We won’t discuss the breast cancer (mostly because the link there is uncertain at best). But if you’re female, there is another side effect: you’re actually making it more difficult to reach orgasm.

See, environmental estrogens have an interesting affect on women. It’s like this: environmental estrogens  interfere with production of your own natural estrogens, because your body reads as having enough. Except that, during orgasm, it’s the production of estrogen that creates the subtle dance of oxytocin and endorphins that allow you to finally reach the Big O. Without that estrogen production, you produce cortisol instead, which is sure to put you off track.

And all of this isn’t even mentioning the irritation that can occur with regular usage, because like most toxins, any potential allergic reaction increases with exposure. So, you’re raw, sterile, cancer ridden, and sadly… can’t even come.

I’m gonna pass on that, thanks. You?

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    I'm Briar. I make talking about sex fun. Almost as fun as actually having sex. Almost.


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